The Worst Part

Do you know what the worst part is?

I understand Romeo and Juliet now.

I understand the childish longing for a real connection to someone, anyone

No matter their name, their age, their morals

No matter what people tell you, or what you tell yourself

Instead, you let their words fall upon your tongue

You let their music ring in your ears

You let their gaze become yours

You let their strings attach themselves without notice

I thought I was taking my time,

Until I looked back and remembered these years were weeks

I thought you were making me stronger,

Until I saw my weakness posing in the mirror

I thought I was finally taking control of my own life

Until I noticed the path I was on

I thought you were my knight in shining armor

Until I realized I was still in the tower

I was so afraid of losing what I had just gained that I didn’t wait for you to poison me.

I poisoned myself.

You didn’t kill me. I killed myself for you.

And you know what the worst part is?

We weren’t even dating.

When someone asks to see my list of past loves,

You name won’t be there

I can’t even say you broke my heart,

Cause that would mean I gave it away too quickly

Heartbreak is reserved for the committed,

And you were anything but that

But do you want to know the worst part? The worst part of it all?

I didn’t learn my lesson

I would do it again in a fractured heartbeat.

Bea Gunding, NPR Poetry with Kwame  Alexander September 7, 2021